When Joy is Conditional On Your Body Size

If I didn’t think my body was small enough or fit enough, joy was nowhere to be found.

For all of my 20s and the first few years of my 30s, joy was conditional.

But I didn’t recognize it as that. Instead, it just felt like a dark cloud following me around. The kind of absurd thing, and why I was so confused by this feeling, is that my life looked perfect on paper.

I was living in San Diego (literal paradise), working in a career I loved, married to my high school sweetheart, enjoying a fulfilling social life, and waking up every day with a healthy and active (excessively so) body.

Yet, I can remember this distinct feeling of darkness hanging over my head, even on the best days. One moment that I often think back on was one particular blue sky Saturday. My husband and I were on the beach that we biked to, because we lived 10 blocks from the ocean. (Literal heaven, ya’ll.)

I was sitting in a beach chair, listening to the waves, trying to badly to find some semblance of joy and kept coming up empty. I remember thinking: What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just be happy?

Since doing a lot of healing work, I now understand that there were a lot of factors at play, but the primary one was that my joy was conditional on a very unpredictable factor:

How I felt about my body.

If I didn’t think it was small enough or fit enough, or if I was bloated or happened to not love my reflection in the mirror, joy was nowhere to be found. Worse, I was absolutely awful to be around. I was grouchy, anxious, and unhappy.

If this sounds familiar, this article is for you. Life can be joyful, regardless of how your body looks, or more importantly, how you feel about how your body looks.

I’m going to share a few strategies and ideas that you can start using today. All of these have been helpful for me on this journey to reclaim unconditional joy and I think they’ll be helpful for you too.

Note: In addition to what I share here, professional mental health support was necessary for me, and may be for you too. I am not a doctor, therapist, or licensed medical professional. The information shared here is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. I love this resource for finding inclusive, culturally-affirming mental health care.