I Started Running Again—But This Time, Not to Control My Body
Here are some thoughts that have been bouncing in my mind during my runs, plus some takeaways if this resonates for you.
There was a time when running was everything. It was my therapy, my coping mechanism, my badge of honor. I was logging 8+ mile runs five times a week, rain or shine. I told myself I was doing it for my "mental health" — and sure, it did help me work through some tough emotions — but if I'm being honest, it was also a way to control my body.
The unspoken contract was clear: run hard, run often, stay small.
Fast forward 2.5 years of deep, messy, transformative healing from a disordered relationship with my body and movement and everything is different. Is the disordered voice still there? Yeah, it never goes away. But, with awareness and tools, I am realizing that I can truly enjoy running without all the diet culture BS.
If this resonates for you, and you want to get back into running as summer approaches, like I did, keep reading!
Running Because I Want To — Not Because I Need To
The biggest shift is that I run because I want to. Not because a voice in my head tells me I have to, not because I'm terrified of what will happen if I don't, and not because I'm chasing some unachievable "ideal" body.
Now, running is literally waking up on a sunny morning and thinking, Hey, a run sounds really good right now. This is exactly what happened. I’m not dragging myself out the door because if I don’t I’ll guilt myself all day.
It's choosing movement because I can feel my body craving it, not being imprisoned by it.
Pace Doesn't Define Me Anymore
Back in the day, I used to treat my runs like a performance. Every run was a chance to prove something: how strong I could be or how "worthy" I was. I used to be proud when the doctor would check my heart rate during an appointment and go, “Oh, you must be a runner.” It was just another badge of honor I wore to prove to everyone that I was the best, most disciplined, most impressive.
Today? I run at the pace I choose with no goal but to smell the summer air, dance to some fun tunes (while running—yes, I do it), and chase the views (see below!).
Period.
Usually, my pace is slow as hell. Sometimes I push a little harder because it feels good. But I'm not out there trying to impress anyone. It’s all for me in the best way possible.
Goodbye, All-or-Nothing Thinking
Another massive change: I've kicked the all-or-nothing mindset to the curb.
There are weeks when I run three days in a row, feeling that sweet rhythm of fresh air, sun on my face, music in my ears. And then there are weeks where I don't lace up my sneakers once. I might walk instead, lift weights, or just rest.
And you know what? I don't spiral into guilt or shame about it. Missing a run doesn't mean I've "failed." Taking time off doesn't mean I "gave up." It just means...life is happening. I'm listening to my body, not some rigid rulebook.
Healing taught me that movement isn't "good" or "bad" — it's neutral. It's a tool, not a test. It's an option, not an obligation.
Loving Movement, Loving Myself
Reconnecting with running has mirrored the work I've done in my relationship with myself. It's slower, gentler, more attuned. I don't gaslight myself into pushing through pain. I don't abandon myself at the altar of "discipline." I don't use movement as a weapon against my own body.
Instead, I honor the body that shows up each day. For me, this is the result of a lot of intentional and committed healing, and I’m so damn grateful for that.
Running is no longer the center of my identity by any means—I just started doing it again. But it feels so good to reclaim something that I used to love, but also use as a weapon against myself. As with all things in healing, I know this will ripple throughout my life in ways I don’t even know yet.
If You're Reconnecting With Running Too…
If you're somewhere on your own healing journey, maybe stepping back into movement after a long, necessary break, here are a few insights I hope you can take away from my experience:
You get to make the rules now. Slow? Fast? One time per week? One time per month? You’re in the driver’s seat, not diet culture.
You get to choose what movement looks like for you. You get to move slowly, or quickly, or not at all. You get to change your mind. You get to prioritize joy over "goals." You get to trust your body.
You don't owe anyone an explanation, a pace, a race bib, or a before-and-after photo. You just owe yourself honesty, kindness, and a willingness to listen.
And if running isn't your thing? Cool. What's your thing?
Go do that. Because joy, connection, and presence are the only finish lines that really matter.
Choosing Joy Instead of “Summer Body Prep”
Summer used to trigger a lot of old BS for me: the pressure to "get in shape," to look a certain way, to prove I was "doing the work." Movement wasn't about enjoying myself, it was a means to an end, and the end was always more approval, more control, and more restriction.
But this summer? I'm reclaiming it. And you can too if you want and it feels safe to do so.
What I’m realizing is that running can be an incredible way to enjoy the season—when it brings me joy.
No movement, running or otherwise, should feel like a chore, or a "should." So this summer, I hope you choose movement that you love, take rest and time off when you need it, and ask for support when if old beliefs are coming up (as they are for a lot of people right now!) Diet culture is strong in the summer, but we get to be stronger.