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Have you ever re-watched a movie that you’ve seen many times before and, for the first time, noticed a major diet culture moment that you somehow missed all the other times before?
This happened for me when I was watching Love Actually. I watch it every single year during the holidays and have ever since it came out. A few years ago, after getting deeper into the work of healing from diet culture, I watched it again and was shocked at how much diet culture was subtly woven into the content.
The thing is: this subtle messaging isn’t just hiding in movie scripts, wellness ads, and mass media. It lives in our everyday language, too. And we may not see the connection or meaning behind the thing we’re saying until someone points it out.
Today, I want to point out a few words and phrases that I’ve become more aware and conscious of lately. For each word or statement, I’ve included an example so you can see what I mean (because some of these might sound random without the context).
The goal for this is not to shame anyone who might be saying these things. I’ve done it myself! It’s to bring awareness to the power of our language and highlight little shifts that make a big difference, whether you’re chatting with friends, speaking on a podcast, or talking to yourself.
Because, in every scenario, the words you use matter.
P.S. Tell me in the comments: what would you add to this list??
Objectively
“Objectively, she’s gorgeous.”
Here’s the thing: none of us can really see beauty through a truly objective lens. First and foremost, what we see is painted by diet culture, even when we’re actively doing this work to heal from it. (Like I talk about in my recent post about men’s bodies in Ransom Canyon.)
Secondly, we see the world through our own unique experience. What I think is beautiful may not look beautiful to someone else.
What we mean by “objectively” in relation to someone’s beauty is that they look like the version of beauty we’ve been told to admire. Plus, research finds that biologically speaking, we find certain features attractive without even realizing that’s what we’re looking at or noticing.
I don’t want to get too in the weeds in this one (there is some fascinating research on it!); what I want to do is point out that by saying things like this, we assume that beauty is the same for all of us. And it’s not.
Normal
“This is a normal body.”
This one comes from good intentions; I know that. I’ve seen it used in social media posts shared by body positive influencers who want to normalize certain aspects of the body like cellulite or a squishy belly. I love that for us, and that can be powerful.
What I want to remember, however, is that body diversity is real. While much of the work we do in this space is to normalize bodies that are bigger than diet culture’s standards, folks in smaller bodies or folks with disabilities, for example, struggle to feel they fit in too.
Using the word “normal” erases and overlooks those experiences. It assumes we’re all having a similar experience in our bodies. And yet, we absolutely are not.
What I’d love for us to do instead is something I talked about in June’s BDG. Instead of saying “normal,” I want us to be more specific. Here are some ideas using the same initial example:
This body is worthy.
This body isn’t anyone’s to comment on.
This body is the least interesting thing about me.
This body is allowed to change.
This body has [cellulite, squishy belly, etc.] and that’s okay.
Not only does this shift eliminate the accidental exclusion that happens when we use the word “normal,” but it’s also so much more impactful, don’t you think?!
Flattering
“Oh, that dress is so flattering on you!”
Hoooooold up, what does this mean? I know, if you’ve said it, you mean no harm. Quite the opposite, you are complimenting the person.
Unfortunately, the word “flattering” is dripping in diet culture. It’s saying that whatever that person is wearing is…
Hugging their body to highlight diet culture-approved curves
Highlights the smallest parts of their body
Makes their stomach look flat
Exaggerates the size or shape of their butt
The word flattering comes with too much baggage, so it’s time to ditch that one.
Overweight
“She’s a little overweight, but that’s okay because weight doesn’t matter.”
It seems to me that the word overweight is often used as a softer term when speaking about someone who is in a bigger body or fat. I actually said “overweight” in a podcast episode a year or so ago, without even thinking.
That’s the thing with so much (if not all) of the body language we use: it’s a part of our lexicon. We’ve heard these words and phrases used again and again. So we say them without thinking or realizing what it is we’re really saying.
The term “overweight” assumes there is a standard acceptable body size. According to weight stigma, diet culture, and weight-biased medicine, there is. Those of us in this anti-diet, weight-inclusive world, however, know that there is not one single “healthy” size.
So instead, try saying what you mean, like fat. Many people think “fat” is a dirty word, but a lot of folks, like Virginia Sole Smith, are reclaiming this word and stripping it of its negativity.
Better yet, perhaps we don’t have to speak about someone’s weight or size at all. (What a concept!)
Love Handles
“I still have some love handles, but I feel good.”
If you’re still referring to your hips in this way, I’d love you to reconsider. Let’s start with the origin of this one because it’s so innocuous and random. From what I can find, “love handles” was first said in an interview with Debbie Reynolds, the mother of Carrie Fisher, in the 1970’s:
“My mother is—well—rather plump, but my dad likes her that way. He calls the excess ‘love handles.’ As a matter of fact, he’s always saying to me, ‘The trouble with you, Debbie, is you’ve got no love handles.’”
As with so many terms, words and phrases, this was quickly co-opted by the health and wellness industry. It became a favorite phrase in marketing copy, used to remind us that we needed to remove this part of ourselves.
To me, this phrase is painfully outdated. Likely to you too. Sadly, I find it’s still said in a way that masquerades as cute and funny but is really drenched in diet culture, self-depreciation, and internalized fatphobia.
If you find this phrase still echoes in your mind from time to time, this is your reminder to do some work around why and see if you can shift that self-talk.
Good Bodies
“All bodies are good bodies.”
The intention here is pure, and yet, it still misses the mark in a way that makes me cringe a little every time I see it. (And I’ve seen it a lot lately.)
What I mean is this: diet culture teaches us certain things are good and bad. This phrasing keeps us locked into a way of thinking that measures us by way of a moral compass. What we actually want people to realize is that all bodies aren’t moral at all; they’re…
Worthy
Loveable
Capable
Brilliant
More importantly, they’re the least interesting thing about us.
Aging Well/Gracefully
“Oh wow, she’s aging so well.”
What does this even mean? She’s aging, but she looks young? She’s aging, but she’s thin? All of the above? Ultimately, it means she’s aging in a way that’s deemed acceptable by our modern, body-obsessed, youth-obsessed culture.
Here’s the reality: we all age, if we’re lucky enough to do so. We don’t need to change, fix, or control that. We get to enjoy it and cheer others on as they enjoy it too.
Let’s Rethink Our Language Like This
If I have to speak about someone’s body at all, I try to speak in the same way I do with my 4.5-year-old son:
Specific
Anatomical
Straight-forward
Compassionate
Sometimes this means I have to slow it down, think about what I’m trying to say, and then speak.
I also have to remind myself, and I’ll remind you, too: we’re not perfect, and this learning is ongoing. That means we’re going to miss something. We’re going to say the wrong thing. That’s okay!
The best we can do is continue to stay curious about our own language and the language being used in the world around us, how certain messaging makes us feel, and how that might change the way we speak to others and ourselves.
I love this! “Objectively” drives me nuts. Just because many people share an opinion on something doesn’t make it an “objective” truth!