I Started Exercise Classes Again and Was Happily Surprised

If you’re thinking of going back to the gym, here are some happy surprises I’ve discovered that may surprise you, too.

Is there anything from the days when you were deep in your disorder that you miss?

Something that’s not “bad” in reality, but you took it too far, so it became unhealthy at the time?

For me, that’s the gym. I know it might sound weird; most people hate going to the gym, but I’ve always loved it. Even before the depths of my disorder, it was always something I prioritized and truly enjoyed. It’s like a playground to me.

Part of this is likely because, in my mid-20’s, I was a personal trainer. I worked with 1:1 clients and taught HIIT classes 2-4 times each week, and as a result, also spent a lot of time in the small locally-owned gym where I worked. (See a snapshot of my life at that time in the collage below. Feels like eons ago.)

The problem became: what was once a playground, where I enjoyed moving my body, pushing my limits, and testing new things, was now a source of extreme highs and lows. When I was there, staring at my body, lifting weights, and working with clients, I was happy. I was soothing that disordered part of me that was saying, “Just stay small and you’ll be worthy and lovable.”

But when I didn’t go, because I was tired or something got in the way, the shame and anxiety were all-consuming. I’d think about my body all day, checking it in the mirror, making sure it was still small, monitoring for any minor changes; always on high alert.

This was in my mid-20’s. About 5ish years later, when I committed to 1:1 healing for my disordered eating and body image struggles, I had to stop completely. I couldn’t work out at home, at a gym, anywhere.

I took three full months off. No fitness-related movement at all. I needed to untangle myself from it.

Now, after slowly allowing myself to connect back to movement (over the course of 2.5 years and in a gentle and supportive way), I made another huge step:

I started going to workout classes again.

I made this decision with a lot of intention. I felt, in my heart of hearts, that my body was genuinely craving higher intensity movement that a class could give me. I also felt this was a safe step and promised myself that if I felt those obsessive or disordered voices and urges coming back, I’d stop and reassess.

After 3+ months of being back in the gym, I now go to two different studios each week. I take one class at each place and am loving it. I’ve been surprised to find that I’m learning so much about myself, my healing journey, and who I am on the other side of all the healing work. This is what I want to share with you today.

If you’re thinking of going back to the gym or dipping your toe back into movement (and you feel you’re truly ready to do so), keep reading. I want to share some happy surprises I’ve discovered that may surprise you, too.

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